The Circumstances Under Which I Would Consent to be Married

My boyfriend, James Bond, and I have a lot in common, including our love of exotic travel, belief in the importance and value of government service, and unabashed affection for sexual puns. In addition to our similar world views, we have also been able to enjoy many experiences together, especially fighting crime in black tie attire. 

James Bond and I have often discussed our future together, and what sorts of goals and ambitions we have. For example, we have agreed that our present lifestyle, as secret government agents who are regularly required to almost single-handedly bring down criminal masterminds and terrorist organizations, probably is not conducive to raising children, pets or house plants. Having agreed to put our careers and relationships ahead of other, arguably more traditional, pursuits, we feel comfortable that we are on the same page about what is important to us, and that it is appropriate to move our relationship to the 'next stage.'

When it comes time for my boyfriend James Bond to present me with an engagement ring, not only does he mine the diamond for the ring himself, but he helps the other diamond miners organize a series of protests which result in their having better working conditions and higher pay. James Bond, who is also an expert jewelry designer, crafts a tasteful but unusual setting for the enormous diamond he mined for me. Although James Bond and I have discussed marriage and agreed that it is something we both want, he still surprises me with a proposal at the Eiffel Tower, but, you know, in a classy way. James Bond certainly does not ask for my father's permission to marry me, because I am marrying James Bond, my father is not. 

My fiance James Bond and I jointly organize an intimate but very elegant wedding (MI6 pays for it, for some reason). Our friends and family members buy us many, many kitchen appliances and tearfully say many kind things about both of us. There is a lot of dancing, and everyone enjoys the delicious vegan food James Bond prepared for us. After the wedding, my husband James Bond and I decide to combine business and pleasure, and spend our honeymoon doing what we love, staying in expensive hotels all over the world while also fighting/gambling with evil men. Obviously we live happily ever after.

Me and the bae.