Seasonal Affective Disorder

I've been trying to figure out how to write this blog post without raising further concern about my mental health. Rest assured, I'm doing fine, I just want you all to understand what has happened to me in the past few months. Winter has finally ended, but before it did, it broke my spirit. Seasonal affective disorder is definitely a real thing, you guys. I used to want to help people. I don't care to do that so much anymore. I used to be comfortable with the idea of struggling for the things that are important to me. I'm not so comfortable with that anymore. I appreciate all the things my mother (and, you know, Viktor Frankl) have told me about suffering ("You're like Moses wandering in the desert."). I just don't want to do it anymore. I want to be happy.

But spring boy, let me tell you. It's amazing. It's a revelation. It's raining right now for the first time in months and months, and I just couldn't be happier about it. The first warm day, the first day it felt like more snow would be a fluke and not the continuation of a trend, the fog I had been in all winter dissipated, almost instantaneously. Don't get me wrong, there are still some things I'm miserable about, but they're discrete instead of diffuse, and I know once I'm through them I'll be back on an even keel. I'm looking forward to the internship I'll be doing this summer, to the research I'll be doing for my thesis, to all the traveling I'll hopefully be doing. More than anything else, I'm looking forward to my comp being done. I have about two and a half weeks to finish preparing, and it's going well, but, as with anything you need to complete successfully in order not to get kicked out of school, having that still ahead of me is causing me some anxiety. Q: What is sustainability? What is resilience? A: They are things that I don't want to have to think about anymore. Assuming I pass, though, the afternoon of April 23, and pretty much every day thereafter (until I have more assignments to turn in, or whatever), is going to be pretty great.

Also, because it is spring, here is the ultimate song about spring. You're welcome.