Parental Wisdom

You know what sucks? Financial insecurity. I'm going to begin this blog post by stating that I know that I must sound like a whiny baby, because I'm not exactly in any danger of bankruptcy or something -- I can more or less afford everything I need, and there are people who can help me if, for example, I need to get the rabies vaccine. Still, though, I'm living paycheck-to-paycheck for the first time in my life, and it sucks. What's worse, though, is the fact that it's hard to imagine a time in my future when I won't be living paycheck-to-paycheck. After this year I'll be back in graduate school, which, while important and rewarding, is not exactly lucrative. Then after I finish my PhD, there's basically a big black hole of uncertainty. Yes, it's possible that I'll be able to find people who want to give me piles and piles of money to start a research center, but 'possible' is not necessarily the most reassuring word to base your future plans on. It's also difficult, to be frank, to see your peers entering careers they are not only excited about, but can actually earn a living doing. In comparison, sometimes I feel like my potential is just incubating, sure -- but most of the time, I feel like I'm stagnating at best.

I called my mom a few weeks ago, panicking about my future: "I just feel like I'm not hitting all the 'adulthood benchmarks,' you know?"

"Oh Amanda," she said, "there are no 'adulthood benchmarks.' Right now, you're building the foundation for a big, ambitious building. Maybe some of your peers have already built their houses, but, let me tell you, those houses are shitboxes."

Well, those words of wisdom tided me over until yesterday. I had yesterday and today off, and I spent most of my time listening to the "Hamilton" soundtrack, which was overall a good choice, but also made me a little anxious. Obviously I'm no Alexander Hamilton (or Lin-Manuel Miranda, for that matter), but it made me feel like I needed to go out and Accomplish Something. Instead, of course, what I did was read fan fiction and haphazardly dust my apartment. After a meeting with my thesis advisor this afternoon, I called my mom again for my walk home. I started complaining, and voicing some of my many concerns about my future and the path I'm on. Once again, she came through for me: "You have to do what's important to you. You have to. If you choose to do something because you'll make a lot of money, but you're not passionate about it, you'll spend the rest of your life dying a slow death. There's no other way to say that."

"But Mom, I'm not an entrepreneur, I don't know what I'm doing."

"I think you'll find, if you look at 'entrepreneurs,' there are two types -- the first type of people just like to start things, but the others really believe in something and are willing to work to bring it to fruition. I know you feel overwhelmed right now, but just think about the next step, not the whole picture. You work at a bookstore -- find a book about starting a business or nonprofit, and buy it. That's step one. Read the book. That's step two. Do the exercises in the book, one at a time. That's step three. Try writing a business plan -- step four. Before you know it, you'll have accomplished something."

So that's what I'm going to do: buy a book about starting a nonprofit. One foot in front of the other. I'm not exactly less worried about being poor, but I'm feeling slightly less overwhelmed by my own stupid plans.